This year was hard. I lost both of my remaining Grandparents within 3 months of each other. My Grandpa Wally wasn’t well so it wasn’t a shock, but my Grandma Donna going shortly after him was unexpected. She was an extremely creative and unique woman who lit the flame of creativity in me as a child. But even as this year seemed to drag by so slowly in the hard times, I’m reminded that although their flames have extinguished, they live on. Through the flames they lit inside me and the people they touched they continue to bring light to this world. In my work and everything I do and create, they are a part of it. Their blood flows through me and their light shines wherever I go. And whenever my candles have melted and my flames go out, I’ll live on through the people whose lights I’ve lit, and so will they.

So this one is for Donna May Ulmer, Walter Edwin Ulmer, Frank Joseph Thomas, & Rosalind Marie Thomas: My Grandparents. They shine through all of my work, whether they like it or not.

LEGACY

Rotten things rot things. Rotten people rot people. Rotten thoughts rot your thoughts. Get out of the dirt. 

ROTTEN

Behind some of the biggest smiles on the strongest people you know, is someone who is suffocating. 

  
I recently had a conversation with someone who is always so positive and encouraging. But I decided to dig a little deeper than small talk and it turns out they are going through an extremely painful experience and in immense turmoil. I NEVER would have guessed, but just digging past the surface we got to talk. 

There are people who are within arms reach of your day to day that are hurting. Be patient with people, and be willing to dig deeper. They may not be ready to talk now, but they will know you are someone they can talk to when they are ready.

I’M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU? 

There’s a humility in starting something new. You feel unprepared and in over your head, so you start to research. 

Sometimes when I start researching and consuming information, this book leads to another book, but contradicts this podcast and this forum contradicts this YouTuber. 

After a while, we can become so obsessed with consuming information about how to achieve our goals that research becomes our only work. As we gain more & more knowledge we falsely feel as though we’re making so much progress when in reality we’ve never even picked up a shovel.

You’ll never feel ready. There will never be a “good” time to start. The first steps are always hard, but take action anyway.

TAKE ACTION

Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.

Listen, I mean really listen to people. They are telling you exactly who they are. When their polished facade momentarily drops in moments of frustration, anger, when they are being called out, what’s been hidden inside comes to the surface. 

After you see it, you better believe it.

THE DEPTHS

I didn’t think the future would look like this. Right now there are more tools, opportunities, and resources for artists and creatives to craft ANYTHING their heart desires. When I was younger, cameras, editing software, and tutorials were very hard to get your hands on. Creating with technology was a luxury, where now it seems like a necessity. There is a wide open field to be a unique force bringing new thoughts and ideas to the table, but everyone seems more interested in “hopping on” the latest trend, relying on AI, or just straight up copying people creating this never ending scroll of sameness. You may find some momentary success replicating everyone in front of you, but what if there is even greater success out there for the things you're SUPPOSED to be bringing to this world. Don’t forfeit your purpose for a viral video and some followers. No one may get it, you may look like a naked fool running in a field, but you are 1 of 1 and I want to see YOU.

PURPOSE

I’ve always loved to write, but told myself I could never be an actual writer. My grammar knowledge isn’t up to par, I’m too direct, I have no flourish or nuance, & I’m bad at it. Now, no one ever told me this, but I felt like everyone saw it and if I wrote something this army of people would come out of the woodwork and burn me at the stake. So I’d beat myself up, tell myself I’m not good enough, and put myself on trial to be sacrificed because “they” won’t accept me. “They” will ridicule me. “They” will laugh at me and see me as a failure

But there is no they, it’s just me.

There is no angry mob, there are no “haters.” You hold the flame, and you can use it to burn yourself or as fuel to light the way forward.

BURN HIM

I always knew deep inside I had the ability to fly, to create magic. But my belief in the voices that said I couldn’t gave them power to tighten their ropes around me and hold me back from my true potential. Until slowly but surely I learned that just because you can hear the voices of doubt, doesn’t mean you have to believe them.

CAPTIVE

As global crises seem to be happening a dime a dozen these days, I find myself obsessively reading, refreshing, and consuming news as a way to feel some type of control over the world spiraling. Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be informed, BUT in all things moderation. Otherwise we can become the human form of an empty vase, only able to display whatever we shove into us.

INFORMED

The day after my Grandma died I was sharing with a friend how tough it was, they said, “Just don’t think about it.” As this unbearable weight was pressing down on me, they recommended I “just don’t think about it.” And while they meant well, it reminded me of all the other times in my life when I was carrying around heavy burdens and I was told to just not think about it. “You have so much going for you, you should be happy!” or “Next time you're anxious and your thoughts start to swirl, just stop thinking.” There are people traveling through life carrying around heaviness that they didn’t ask for. They would love to just not think about it, but it’s there. To everyone out there carrying a boulder, I’m sorry. It’s not fair, but keep fighting and find the right people in your life who don’t just brush you off, but are unafraid to roll up their sleeves and say “What can I do?”

JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT

Do you never want to be criticized? Hate failing? Sick of getting hurt? Well I have THE solution for you! Never take risks! Never taking risks is guaranteed to keep you safe and cozy right where you are. Trying new things is for suckers who are just asking to be ridiculed. Never taking risks couldn’t be easier: just never create or try anything new and settle down into the safest comfiest spot you can. It’s that easy! Just remember, that future project will never fail, if you just don’t start!

SAFETY BUBBLE

To everyone who has been held prisoner in your own brain by invisible darkness. When it’s held you back from the things you love, stolen your voice and your joy, created miles of distance between you and the people you love, made you feel alone and misunderstood. I see you. 

Never stop fighting.

  

PRISONER

“How? How is the year already halfway over?” I thought to myself “There is so much I want to accomplish this year and it's going by way too fast!” Panic sets in. “By the time my nephew graduates high school I’ll be an old man. If I don’t start making huge moves, I’ll die a failure. I’m already an old man, I should have had success in my early twenties. It’s already too late.”

So I panic and desperately start trying to find a way I can use EVERY second to my advantage. I get so focused only on how much time I have lost, and how to stop letting it slip through my fingers.

But… Time can’t be jarred and hoarded. Once the present moment passes it immediately becomes the past. And the more you focus on losing time, the more time you lose, desperately trying to capture and tame something that can never be caught. 

So instead I focus on how grateful I am for the time I have been given, and know that the only way to make the most of it is to treat each present moment like the gift it is.

TIME

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold, making the otherwise broken and useless piece of pottery even stronger and more beautiful than before.

I use to think of myself as a broken person, that good things in life weren’t for me because I was a cup that couldn’t hold water. But we aren’t ever broken, simply in need of repair. The repairing/healing process, although difficult, gives us opportunities and perspectives that we never would have had if we didn’t “break.” Those are the experiences that makes us stronger, more unique, and prepared for any future cracks.

BROKEN

Toxic words, thoughts, & lies seep in and start infecting me, and the longer I allow it the more the infection spreads. Pretty soon I’m not just infected, I’m contagious.

Not every thought you think is true, and some of the people you allow to whisper in your ear are poisoning you.

INFECTION

“I’m being a burden on them,” I say to myself as I go to cut off the people who genuinely care for me, so I can sink away alone down in the depths of my problems to protect myself from being abandoned.

BURDEN

When we think of growth we think of flourishing, thriving, increasing, but not many people talk about how ugly, messy, and the hard work it can be. 

In order for those new azaleas to grow the ground has to be prepared. Back breaking work of digging up old roots and rocks that would hinder the future growth. Tilling up the dirt with sweat dripping off your nose covered in grime. That’s how we get to see real growth & change. Hard raw honest conversations, vulnerability, realizations that I was actually the problem, digging deep and asking myself why I reacted so harshly. Yes, you still have to work after they are planted by watering and trimming them, but if you don’t do the grueling prep work, those azaleas won’t last.

GROWTH

I don’t think anyone was prepared to have the world at their fingertips. I find myself filling every down second with a swipe and a scroll. My biggest problem is I’m constantly killing my momentary boredom. Boredom is an unsung hero in my life. My best ideas and creative projects came to be because I was bored, but now I fill that with endless podcasts and extensive internet research into the Dyatlov Pass Incident. I won’t be throwing away my phone anytime soon, but I am trying to learn self control and be more mindful of the amount of time I spend aimlessly scrolling.

ADDICTION 

There are way too many people who are all talk. They constantly want to “pick your brain” and craft stories and promises with their tongues while their hands and feet are idle. They won’t ever be taking that trip, running that race, making that short film, or starting that business. They just want to rob you of your time and attention and slobber all over you. While we all at times have been more talk than action, look out for the ones who make a constant habit of it. People of action lead with their hands and have progress to show. And if you are a person of all talk, make one actionable step toward your goal, and stop slobbering on people.

TALK 

“‘For the gram’ he chants, as he pulls back his skull exposing his brain for the sacrifice . ‘Oh algorithm hear me! I give thee my heart, my brain, all of me. Maketh me viral. I give thee my music interests in exchange for trending audio. I get naked for thee, I dance for thee, I offer up content every day for thee. Shine your light upon me and bring forth the followers.”

FOR THE GRAM

 I suddenly inhale, deeply filling my lungs with air. I gasp for breath, “How long has it been?” I look at the clock. 1 hour. I’ve been scrolling through videos on social media for over an hour straight. I was supposed to be working, but I got sucked under… again. 

This is a friendly reminder to close the app down for a bit, take a breath. Technology is amazing, but it does place a higher burden of responsibility on us to practice discipline and not drown in it.

BREATHE

 No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t think of an idea for this month’s photo. Usually I’m trying to pick the best idea I have out of many. Three days ago, knowing I had to get it done before the end of the month, I still had nothing. So, I decided to start digging into why I couldn’t think, and after retracing my thoughts it hit me. I had killed my creativity, motivation, and general wellbeing by continually opening and consuming the dumpster fire that is social media. I knew what was waiting for me, but I kept coming back.

DEATH BY SCROLL

Words express how people want to present themselves. Actions are who people really are. Deviation between the two is just pure and simple manipulation no matter their intention.

LÜGEN

“They are on to me. This is the one where they realize I am not remotely qualified. They know I’m just a fraud, a child in my dad’s hand me down suit trying to pass myself off as a real person. Act casual, make no sudden movements, and maybe you can keep up the charade.” They say 70% of the population experiences Imposter Syndrome. It’s difficult to talk about when you work as a creative because part of your job is convincing people that you are the best person to do the job. So when the imposter in me creeps up from time to time, I embrace him, take off his mask, and remind him it’s a journey and there is no such thing as “making it,” so you don’t have fake it.

IMPOSTER

The horrendous things I say to myself/call myself I wouldn’t say to any other human being, no matter how much I disliked them. I’ve always been very aware that words can be weapons, but somehow my own thoughts slipped by. If a song played on repeat over and over eventually we would know the lyrics by heart, same goes for our thoughts. Negativity can become apart of our unconscious DNA and dictate our self worth.

While I personally may never become someone that fills my own head with self-hype (It’s not my vibe, I’m a realist) I have to cut out the negative chatter and constantly cutting myself down for simple mistakes. “We are all on the same team” has been the recent mantra in my brain space.

INNER VOICE

Be careful who you surround yourself with. The negativity that people blindly spew out sticks to you, whether you realize it or not.

  
Be careful what you say. The negativity that you blindly spew out sticks to the people around you, whether you realize it or not.

  
I enjoyed doing my series so much last year that I will be continuing to do a monthly photo. It won’t be a series that connects together, it will just be what’s on my mind that month.

NEGATIVITY

I can 100% guarantee you one thing in life, there will be opposition. If you are living and breathing, pursuing your passions and doing what you were put on this earth to do, you will face hardships & adversity. There will be giants, failures, doctor’s reports, past due notices, anxiety, heartbreak, & loss. There is no life hack. There is no way around them. They are coming. The question isn’t when will It get easier, it’s how can I get stronger and who’s by my side ready to fight with me when I feel like quitting.

So sharpen your swords, not out of fear, but anticipation that beyond the giant is your promised land.

GIANT SLAYER

“As the traveler began his journey, he came to the entrance of the path piled with the skeletons of travelers before him who saw how tough the journey was ahead and decided to wait for it too clear. They waited and waited for the ancient ones, Fear, Worry, Confusion, Doubt, & Loneliness, to clear the path, but they never leave and never sleep. So the travelers waited in comfort until they slowly rotted away. 

“Onward,” said the traveler as he took his first steps into the unknown.”

ONWARD

Isn’t it annoying when the people drowning around you keep splashing cold water on you?? I know you can’t breathe, but this coffee is hot, book is good, and I’m cozy.

COMFORT

You studied, learned, unlearned, and a light came on for you. You’re no longer in the dark, and even though the light is harsh you’re starting to see the world around you for what it really is and has been. Now What? I know turning on the light was challenging, but that isn’t the goal. Illumination and awarenesses is only the prep work so you can see and now start the ACTUAL WORK.

NOW WHAT?

Past mistakes and failures will always chase you, as long as you run from them. Mistakes from my past don’t just passively linger in my mind, they suddenly emerge from the shadows and come at me full speed claws ready to dig in. The problem is whenever I’m running from my past it dictates the direction of my future. Stopping to turn, face, and deal with my mistakes and failures is the only way to head in the direction I want. It’s not a one time thing, its more of an everyday thing, but I’m learning.

PAST MISTAKES

SAINT ANXIUS

At birth we’re given a knife. We learn to sharpen and use it over time. The thing about knives are if you stab someone whether accidentally or purposefully you can NEVER un-stab them. You can bandage the wound, apologize, pay their hospital bills, or give them a million gifts, but scars stay forever. 

One of the first things we’re taught as kids is to never run with sharp objects, they require a certain level of responsibility and control. So handle your knife with care it can kill, and like a scalpel it can save lives too.

WORDS

“You ever going to get married and get a real job?” Direct quote a man once asked me, who not 1 hour before told me about how miserable he was at his “real job” and how disappointing his life was. 

The pressure to join society’s normalcy can be overwhelming sometimes. BUT, there is only one of you. We each have unique abilities, perspectives, and gifts only we can bring to the world. The more we try to ”fit in” or ‘blend in” we deprive the world of us. 

I don’t need to be a part of the cutthroat messy rat race, I don’t have to “hustle” 24/7 to prove my worth to the world, and I won’t compare my race to someone else’s. I’m just going to keep doing me.

HUSTLE

There are so many things I want to achieve and become, but time takes it toll and life gets heavy & complicated & comfortable. In the past I’ve tried to move forward in my life without letting things go, but there is only so much room on the shelf. I step into this new year with my eyes forward on what I want to achieve, followed by a trail of the old. Leaving behind the bad and negative, but also letting go of some good things too that I can see becoming a crutch of comfort to my future. I’m not sure what’s next, but I’m ready for the adventure

FORWARD PROGRESS

1 brain, 1 goal, 2 opposing thoughts that will fight to the death for their way. 

SELF SABOTAGE

You invited it in to help out when your insecurities were getting the best of you, it’s since acquired lands and titles. Now your ego is slowly killing you. 

Simple Solution: Slip a little humility in its tea every day, and it’ll be dead in no time.

What do you do when the darkness is closing in? When its sticky hands are clawing to suck you back down?

You fight. 

Even on the days where it takes all you have for just a sliver of light on your fingertips, you fight.

FIGHT

Real talk: I’ve become a bit of a spoiled brat, and it took this year of everything I know as normal being stripped away from me to realize it. I’m so fortunate to live a very charmed and privileged life, and have taken so many amazing things in my life for granted while I’m always in the pursuit for more. So I decided I was going to start being more grateful, that I was going to work as hard as I could and force myself to be a thankful person. That didn’t work. I just started gripping things tighter and carrying around this heaviness of guilt that I’m not as thankful as I should be all while putting my focus on the things I wanted but didn’t have. 

I’m learning that gratitude is light, it’s not forceful. It’s shifting your mind to stop focusing on things you don’t have, but to be present in each moment with the blessings you do have. Easier said than done, but as always I’m on the journey.

GRATITUDE

Life is seasonal. People, places, & things come and go and even the best things in life are sometimes only meant for a moment. When a good thing comes into my life I hold onto it so tight, that when the season changes and the moment is dead and it’s time for me to move on, I stay. And there I am, surrounded by dead things wondering why my fire and passion is gone trying to re-spark the moment from fading embers. I’m not suppose to be there, I’ll never thrive in a dead environment, and no matter how good it once was or how hard I force it I have to move on.

CHANGE

I once submitted 3 pieces in a contest and won 1st, 2nd, and 3rd (humble brag), I was excited for about 20 minutes and then all I could think of were the mistakes I made in each one. I literally did the best one could do, but after 40 minutes had passed I was convinced that the judges obviously weren’t qualified because they made a huge mistake. Perfection is a thief that convinces you it’s helping you succeed, but drowns you with its unquenchable thirst. Happiness and satisfaction will forever be off in the distance. I have tons of projects that have never seen the light of day because they weren’t “perfect,” and I think often of how many opportunities I have missed because of it. The quest for perfection can stretch across many different areas of life, don’t let it drown you.

PERFECTION

There were many moments this year where it felt like the future that I have been working towards for a long time was vanishing and blowing away in the wind. The uncertainty about my future made me start to reevaluate and reprioritize what’s important in my life, and it made me question what I was doing and if it was all worth it.

But then I had a realization. I don’t have to always see the big picture. I don’t have to see the destination at the top of the ladder right now, all I need to focus on is the next rung in front of me. It’s easy to get overwhelmed when I’m only focused on the destination, but in this moment I’m choosing to focus and keep working on my next step knowing that the path will become clearer and clearer as I forge forward.

UNCERTAINTY

In my younger days I was a sprinter, and a mindset from that bled over into my life: if it hurts - push through, overwhelmed - suck it up, exhausted-too bad. While thats great for the short term sprint, long term it creates problems, and life is a marathon.

I am re-learning to be ok with retreating and recharging, and for me that is stepping into nature. Even just a short walk through the woods and I can feel the anxiety and negativity unravel off me and I leave feeling lighter. 

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Michael Aaron Ulmer

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